By: Genoveva Rodriguez-Castañeda
Have you ever wondered how your past shapes your present? Even when you are bent on NOT being like your parents, you can't escape the flames because the only way out is through.
So you wake up to a new sunny day. The past is behind you, and the future unfolds with opportunities. You have all the reasons to be happy, yet the past never leaves us. It stays with us, like chewed gum in our hair; whether we want it or not, it influences how we live in the present. Our past dictates how we love and how we relate to others.
Think about this for a minute: our first lessons on how to love are from our caregivers.
From a young age, we learn about love through our earliest experiences. The family we grow up in teaches us, both consciously and unconsciously, about love, care, and relationships. As children, we have two fundamental needs: to belong and to be authentic. Unfortunately, In most homes, we learn that to belong, we must abandon our authenticity. Phrases like “don’t complain” or “stop crying” teach us to prioritize others’ expectations over our emotional needs.
As we grow, we internalize how to give and receive love, handle conflicts, and communicate our needs. By the time we are two years old, we develop our attachment style, which defines how we approach relationships and emotional connections. Even if we try to distance ourselves from our past, it influences our loving interactions.
The experiences of your parents (or those who cared for you as a child), whether positive or negative, have taught you about love through their words and actions. Even if you are determined not to repeat your parents' mistakes, changing deep-seated patterns in your mind is difficult. Often, what we learn about love is hidden in the deep recesses of our minds: disrespect, fear, abuse. If we do not explore these patterns, we risk them unconsciously influencing our romantic lives.
Choosing to seek therapy is an act of courage. It's a step forward, a decision to move past fear and confront the past. It's a brave choice, and it can lead to profound personal growth and healing.
Confronting the past can be painful and unsettling; we often prefer to ignore it and move on. All of us are running away from our painful past, just as the Boss, Bruce Springsteen, wrote: "The highway's jammed with broken heroes, On a last chance power drive. Everybody's out on the run tonight, but there is no place to hide." However, exploring our past does not mean we are damaged or lost. In fact, as one of our clients notes, “healing is always possible.” Many individuals who grew up in dysfunctional environments have become generous and dedicated family members with the right support.
A healthy and intimate relationship with your partner is always possible if both are committed to exploring their past with compassion and honesty. This commitment is not a one-time exercise but a lifelong habit. I have experienced firsthand the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family marked by addiction, infidelity, and violence. But that does not mean we must repeat those patterns or be so bent on running away from them that we fail to see who we hurt. On the contrary, it is an opportunity to delve into our experiences, clean our wounds so they don't fester, and change what no longer serves us.
Dr. Terrence Real compares dysfunctional families to a wildfire that devastates generation after generation until someone dares to face the flames and walk through them. This person is the true hero who brings peace to themselves by letting the past go, extending that peace to their ancestors, and freeing their future generations.
However, breaking family patterns is not easy.
I get so frustrated when I cannot communicate well with my partner I want to punch a hole in the wall. Like the marry-go-round, we repeatedly fight over the same things; some conversations from our fights are tough to recover from. But today, I am considering the opportunity to bring peace to my ancestors and build a better future for those who come after me. I am learning to see my husband as my lifelong teacher, showing me all the areas where I need to grow through facing my past painful moments. As my good friend and mentor, Rita Cabarrus, says: "There is no learning without frustration."
Confronting a painful and traumatic past is not something you should do alone. Seeking therapy is a powerful choice that puts you in a uniquely advantageous position to navigate the flames and forge healthy relationships. With the right support, you can extinguish the fire of intergenerational trauma and build a healthier future.
You might be wondering how to change and forge a new path. Perhaps you’ve already shown adaptability by leaving your country, state, or wherever you call home and starting a new life. However, for your past not to determine your future, you must develop self-awareness to identify how your history influences your current relationships. Though the process is challenging, a professional can help you explore your past and connect with your inner child. Once you understand your patterns, you will have the power to decide how you want to relate.
Going to Therapy to work on your relational self offers numerous benefits to your loving relationships, including:
Recognition and Understanding of Patterns: Many disputes are cyclical and often part of recurring patterns with your partner or children. By understanding how your past influences your current conflicts, you can make conscious decisions and alter your automatic reactions, breaking cycles of confrontation.
Deeper Understanding of Your Emotions: Gaining better insight into your emotions allows you to manage them more effectively, preventing them from negatively affecting or hurting your loved ones. Combining self-compassion with understanding your experiences will enable you to handle your emotions more healthily.
Improved Communication and Relationships: Knowing yourself better makes opening up to your loved ones easier, fostering more profound and honest relationships. This results in more effective dialogues with your partner, children, and friends, strengthening your bonds with them.
Authentic Connection with Loved Ones: Healing your past allows you to connect more genuinely with those around you, reducing the tendency to project unresolved issues onto them. This leads to more authentic and satisfying relationships.
In short, therapy helps you heal and transform how you relate to your loved ones. It supports you in setting limits that allow you to have time for yourself and provides communication skills that improve your relationships with the people who matter most to you.
Remember, when you seek therapy, you heal past generations and give future generations a fresh start. Change is possible. The first step is to acknowledge and face what you carry with you, and with adequate support, you can transform your relationships and life for the better.
You don’t have to face the painful flames of your past alone.
Call/text us on WhatsApp at (206) 705-3018.
We will connect you with professionals who will help you get to the other side of the fire.
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