By: Genoveva Rodríguez-Castañeda
María accompanies her mother to the doctor, as her mom doesn't speak English. The girl is only 9 years old but already helps her mother navigate this culture and language, her rights, and issues related to doctors and work. At the clinic, she learns that her mother has cancer, and it's in an advanced stage. I ask you, as parents, when did we become the ones being cared for by our children? When were we supposed to be the caregivers? Why does a 9-year-old girl have to worry about telling her mother that she is going to die? Instead, the mother should receive the information in a language she can understand and find resources to reassure their children that they will be fine when she passes.
The effects of parentifying our children last a lifetime. For example, my 70-year-old uncle recalls that at the young age of 11, he had to drive his father home from the tavern while his father was utterly drunk and asleep. What he might have learned about excess and responsibility from such a young age could be seen as a strength, but a lost innocence still represents an injustice inside. My friend remembers sacrificing her chance to work at university and help her little sister finish her studies. Do you see the pattern? Do you see how we learn to deny ourselves what we are entitled to, to be cared for, to become innocent caregivers, and all to be loved by them?
Parentification can make it difficult for you or your children to establish healthy boundaries and express your needs in future relationships.
Sadly, parentified children learn to ignore their feelings to attend to the emotional needs of others, which can lead to a disconnection from themselves in adulthood. Reaching the age of 50, we realize that we have lived based on everyone else's needs and never considered our own needs today.
Moreover, parentification increases the risk of developing mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. These three problems are the most common among our clients at Esperanza.
We believe we cannot control our reactions to our emotions when we are born. They determine our lives (that's why toddlers have tantrums at the age of 3-4). We need our parents, with their emotional regulation abilities, to embrace us and, with their calmness, assure us that everything will be okay. Instead, most of us don't learn this message, and we have stressed, tired parents living with their fears. Many of us learn to spend our whole lives reading our parents' needs and navigating adult problems while suppressing any feelings without addressing the emotions. Parentification significantly alters a child's emotional development, depriving them of crucial experiences for their growth and psychological well-being, such as self-regulation. Recognizing our childhood was robbed and talking to a therapist about this as an adult is essential to prevent adverse long-term effects on your children.
Breaking the cycle of parentification involves three steps:
Identify the inverted roles in your family.
Accept that it was not the child's responsibility to take on adult tasks.
Understand the emotional and psychological impact of parentification.
Take conscious steps to change the family dynamic.
Recognition and Awareness
The first crucial step is recognizing that parentification has occurred. It involves identifying the inverted roles in the family.
The exercise is simple: learn how you grew up and list responsibilities you had as a child that shouldn't have been yours or the adult tasks you had to do that prevented you from playing and learning without fear of making mistakes (like my uncle who was in charge of getting his younger siblings safely to school).
It's likely that to recognize how you grew up and what patterns you repeat, you will need therapeutic intervention.
Therapy plays a fundamental role in breaking the cycle because it helps you process past experiences and develop coping skills. Often, to survive, we forget our childhood or idealize it. These strategies and others are mechanisms of denial. Therapeutic support can give you tools to face your hidden dark side, which you've been hiding for years.
You can also consider family therapy to address dysfunctional dynamics and improve communication with your partner and children. Often, because we grow up expecting to be the adult in the house, we don't realize we repeat the pattern with our children.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries
Learning to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries is essential: practice saying "no" to excessive demands. As they say in codependency groups, "No" is a complete sentence. You don't need to give reasons or justify yourself when you don't want to do something.
Prioritize your own needs and self-care. We are taught to put our needs last—to be the first to wake up but the last one to eat and save downtime for ourselves. It's time to start thinking about how to gain time for yourself; you deserve time to take care of yourself. So, practice setting boundaries to ensure you have time to rest.
Redefining Roles and Responsibilities within the Family
It all starts with better communication. When you put yourself at the center of your life, you will begin to identify things you are no longer willing to do for others, and you will also find responsibilities you place on your children that are not fair.
Conscious Education and Parenting
To prevent perpetuating the cycle, it is essential as a parent to educate yourself on appropriate roles within the family. Practice conscious parenting that respects the child's needs and fosters a family environment where the adults (in this case, you) take on their responsibilities.
Migrants often lose their social support network and have to adapt to a new society, language, and culture. Our children's adaptation to school is faster than for us, who stay at home or gather with migrants who speak our language and share our culture. However, knowing our rights and acculturating them into our lives here is our duty, so we don't put adult responsibilities on our children.
Social Support
Building a solid support network is crucial:
Seek healthy relationships outside of your family and origin culture. You'll find people who can help you navigate social and cultural processes more effectively.
Participate in communities or groups that understand the experience of parentification and cultivate friendships that promote personal growth and emotional well-being.
Breaking the cycle of parentification requires time, effort, and often professional help. However, with commitment and the right tools, it is possible to heal and create healthier and more balanced relationships in the future. And the most beautiful thing is the gift you give your children—being children and exploring the world without the stress and worries of adults.
In these times of high social stress, what can you do?
Breathe and give yourself the attention and self-compassion you need to live in this moment.
Get informed & know your rights. Take a trip to the library and talk to someone who can guide you on your rights. Information is your best tool. Don't wait for your children to do it for you. Get informed and create support groups to help you and your family navigate uncertainty. Find out how State Laws protect you and your family members.
Gather & Organize. Start having family meetings where you first reassure your children that you have control over the situation and a plan. Knowing what to do will give them peace of mind when they go to school.
Expand your circle. Use your support groups and find people willing to explain your rights and responsibilities.
Remember that you can break the parentification cycle and give your children the gift of feeling freedom as they grow, explore their world, set boundaries, and achieve their goals.
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